Gen Z women are demanding more from men — and refusing to settle for less. Sociologist Dr Stephen Whitehead examines the rise of independent femininity, the backlash it has triggered, and the uncertain future of gender relations.
“I feel like we’ve always kind of had to train them,” revealed American singer-songwriter Sabrina Carpenter in one article discussing her relationships with men, following the release of her provocative new album Man’s Best Friend. Many women would agree with her, with a growing number now openly rejecting the one-sided emotional labour of heterosexual relationships, otherwise known as ‘mankeeping’.
Gen Z women especially are having to face some harsh truths about men and the whole dating game. If women still held on to romantic hopes of ever finding ‘The One’, they are fast disappearing as the realities of gender divergence kick in.
How bad is it? Well, as an indicator, in October I am part of a panel addressing the question ‘Where have all the good men gone?’ at the Leeds International Festival of Idea s; the event sold out within days. I suspect you could hold this event in every major town and city in the UK and sell it out every time.
Let’s be honest, ‘good men’ – and by ‘good’ we mean emotionally intelligent, non-abusive, non-patriarchal, practical and supportive lovers, husbands, fathers and partners – have always been in short supply.
In the past, the limitations of men were something that most women put up with, tolerated in order to acquire a husband, a father to their children, some level of financial security. That was the situation when I was born, all of 76 years ago. But then the gender revolution began and, over the past seven decades, women’s expectations of men — and of themselves — have, quite rightly, risen. And in rising, women have left men behind. Women are today not just looking back at men; they are increasingly looking down at them.
What do women today expect from men? Nothing unreasonable. They are seeking male partners who will treat them as equals, with respect, with understanding, as well as with desire. Most men tend to be fine on the desire bit, but less capable on the emotional maturity bit.
In short, women around the world have changed – they have not all become feminists, but the vast majority have acquired an ‘independent femininity’. The likes of Sabrina Carpenter, Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, and Lady Gaga are simply highly visible examples of this global phenomenon.
Independent femininity emphasises self-expression, agency and freedom to choose a lifestyle. It will not tolerate male abuse, violence or harassment. Cisgender women with independent femininity may still yearn to have a man in their life, but not at any price.
Independent femininity does not accept subordination to men, nor to traditional masculinity and the values which come with it. And it does not rely on men’s approval in order to feel complete, validated or worthy. Women with independent femininity are determined to fashion their sense of self and identity unrestricted by male oversight, sanction and control.
Gen Z women are openly rejecting traditional (toxic) femininity and, in so doing, are releasing themselves from the historic conditions of a patriarchal gender order. Unfortunately, a great many men do not like it, which is why we are seeing the rise in male fundamentalism: incels, misogyny, male violence towards women and girls, and, usually in accompaniment, homophobia, racism and transphobia. When we hear American politicians openly stating that ‘women shouldn’t be allowed to vote’, then you get some idea of just how massive the gender divergence is — and how threatened many men are by independent women.
This is at the heart of the global gender revolution, and every country around the world is now caught up in it. Which is why women are asking, ‘Where are all the good men?’.
However, the other side to this question is that there are probably more good men — and by ‘good’ we mean men who are aligned with feminist ideals, who are comfortable and unthreatened by women’s new-found independence and agency, and who have the emotional intelligence required for long-term stable relationships with independent women — around today than there have ever been.
My own research suggests that such men, those with a ‘progressive masculinity’, rise to around 40% in some parts of the world, though they remain a small minority in most countries.
I should emphasise that this has not happened overnight. The gender revolution has been bubbling since the 1950s, but we are now firmly in the throes of it. And not just in the UK but globally. It is not about the rise of feminists or feminism – apart from women in two countries (Spain and India), most women are not feminists. But most women do have an independent femininity, certainly most Gen Z women.
And that independent femininity is wholly incompatible with traditional masculinity. If men cannot adapt, if they insist on retaining traditional masculine values, then they will inevitably be rejected by women and, consequently, will face a dismal future of solo, silo living.
Where does this leave gender relationships?
No one can predict the future, but as I explain in my new book, The End of Sex (Acorn Books), the indicators are that artificial intelligence will increasingly come to meet the emotional needs of individuals, both women and men. Globally, there are simply not enough good men to save gender relationships. Which leaves us facing a whole new human story.
Dr Stephen Whitehead is a sociologist, author and consultant internationally recognised for his work on gender, leadership and organisational culture. With more than two decades in academia, he served as Senior Lecturer in Education and Programme Director at Keele University before moving to Asia, where he has lived since 2009, building an international consultancy for schools and universities across the region. He is the author of 20 books, translated into 17 languages, including Men and Masculinities, Toxic Masculinity: Curing the Virus, Self-Love for Women and The End of Sex: The Gender Revolution and its Consequences. His concept of “Total Inclusivity” has been widely applied in workplaces, schools and universities, and his writing has helped shape global debate on identity, gender and organisational change.
