Gender identity is not neutral — it is political. It is made political by the power of an historic gender order, one which has privileged hegemonic masculinity (aka toxic masculinity) over other, more liberal and progressive forms of male identity.
Accepting the multiplicity of masculinities, it remains the case that hegemonic masculinity continues to dominate the lives and subjectivities of a large number of men, perhaps the vast majority of men, even as we move into the 21st century.
Hegemonic (toxic) masculinity is a form of male behaviour and expression of male identity that seeks to reinforce men’s power and patriarchal values. Based on characteristics such as competition, ambition, self-reliance, physical strength, aggression and homophobia, the image that is perpetrated celebrates physical toughness, the endurance of hardships, aggressiveness, a rugged heterosexuality, and unemotional logic.
The question remains as to how hegemonic/toxic masculinity impacts on women’s subjectivities, because it surely must do. It would be inconceivable that women’s own sense of feminine self has not been adversely influenced by millennia of hegemonic masculine behaviour in men.
In the research undertaken by Van Thanh Binh and myself (2024), the consequence is revealed to be ‘patriarchal-defined feminine gender identity association’, or toxic femininity for short.
Toxic femininity is the internalization and expression of negative, painful feelings and emotions produced by shame, guilt, rejection, frustration, neglect, confusion, disenchantment, abuse, violence, and hopelessness. Toxic femininity is a mindset of helplessness, a belief that one is no longer worthy of love.
Toxic femininity arises when women realise their aspirations and expectations as a woman are impossible to achieve and indeed are in direct conflict with their lived reality.
It arises when women succumb to self-blame, sometimes self-harm, when a relationship goes bad or when their partner is unfaithful, violent, abusive or just emotionally absent.
It arises when women, conditioned to search for and find the perfect love, the pure relationship, instead find rejection, pain, misunderstanding and loneliness.
And it arises when a woman cannot comprehend nor tolerate the state of her life, and therefore becomes overwhelmed by regret, confusion, frustration, bitterness, even self-loathing.
If a woman believes she can only be fully validated as a person when she is loved by a man then that is a very dangerous assumption because not only is she risking all for a man, when such relationships end the woman takes it as personal failure, a diminishing of her worth as a woman, a rejection of her femininity. She loses her sense of self.
Toxic femininity can arise in women who strive to be perfect in every way (physically and in their relationships) but then find such perfection impossible to achieve; attempting to reach this pinnacle of ‘female perfection’ is ultimately a hopeless, futile self-destructive quest. It will arise in those women who consciously or not, end up existing only to please men. Toxic femininity can arise in younger women who believe their value can only be measured through a high profile, but ultimately amorphous social media presence; a virtual validation through ‘likes’.
It can arise in women who constantly yearn for an approving male gaze and approbation, and are tempted to try and behave like men, join the ‘boys club’, in order to receive such approval. Toxic femininity is not mediated by wealth, prestige or social status. Any woman who externalises her sense of worth onto the perception of others (husband, family, friends, bosses) and requires validation from others in order to feel of value, is at risk.
Toxic femininity is the noxious, always dangerous, potentially lethal condition which takes root in a woman when she fails to recognize her true value as a woman, as a human being; and especially when she uncritically adheres to gender rules and regulations requiring she conform to traditional feminine values — mostly to suit men.
In other words, when she is no longer living an authentic life — her life.
Toxic femininity is in those women who are not living for themselves but for others, especially male lovers and partners. And it is in those women who, frustrated and despairing of their own life, their lack of agency, turn on other women with anger, aggression and negative judgement.
Toxic femininity is not a new condition for women. It has always been a dominant condition for women.
Most women today, and through history, have experience of toxic femininity. It will come to a woman no matter her class, sexuality, nationality, religion, education, or culture. It is almost unavoidable; especially for those women who invest their sense of worth, validation, in romantic love and the approving gaze of others — especially lovers and partners.
Unlike toxic masculinity in men, toxic femininity in women is not expressed through dysfunctional emotional intelligence invariably arising from an incessant quest for power, control and dominance. Rather, toxic femininity is a by-product of toxic masculinity — it is the poison which arises in women’s bodies and minds when they experience not just the pain of lost love, but the hopelessness of trying to be perfect, not for themselves but for men who ultimately neither understand nor value them.
As with masculinity, femininity is multiple. So toxic femininity is certainly not the only femininity available to women/females. However, toxic femininity is the feminine identity that has been presented to females around the world as the most desirable and ‘normal’ way of being a woman. Obviously, it is neither desirable nor normal, the reason being it is a way of being a woman designed to fit women into a patriarchal order which benefits men.
There is, therefore, one highly important life lesson for women regarding their gender identity, their femininity:
Avoid toxic femininity if you want to have a life, if you desire to express agency, independence, and don’t want to risk exposing yourself to physically and emotionally abusive situations.
By: Dr Stephen Whitehead (view are author’s own)
