No one lives a life without some suffering. And for a great many, that suffering starts early — in childhood. As it did for Elon Musk. When asked in 2018 whether he had a happy childhood Elon’s masculine mask falls revealing the wounded, tearful, contested man behind it.
“No, it was terrible. It was very violent. Not a happy childhood. I was almost beaten to death. My father was emotionally abusive. He had serious issues.”
The 2023 biography of Musk reveals that aged 17, he realised he would have to escape from the physical torments of his father. Though as with all abused children, Elon couldn’t escape totally. Justine Wilson, Elon’s first wife recalls:
“I would see shades of these horrible stories Elon told me surface in his own behaviour. It made me realise how difficult it is not to be shaped by what we grew up with, even when that’s not what we want. You’re turning into your father [we’d tell him] It was our coded phrase to warn him that he was going into the realm of darkness.”
In my book, Toxic Masculinity, I refer to the ‘serious issues’ Musk is facing as a man, revealed to the world not just through his media interviews but his very public outbursts. Examples are many, but include calling one of the 2018 Thai cave rescuers a ‘pedo guy; in 2020 tweeting debunked and controversial coronavirus claims while calling stay-at-home orders ‘fascist’; and in the past few weeks, launching into an expletive-laden rant against the world-famous brands who have halted spending on X following his endorsement of an anti-semitic post. If that weren’t enough, Musk now heads into the political arena, openly supporting Trump while warning the UK that it is ‘inevitably’ heading for civil-war.
Of course, Musk responds to his critics by declaring he’s a ‘free speech absolutist’ on the assumption this allows him to say anything he likes. Well, he is wrong. As I have written elsewhere, free-speech is an oxymoron. We must all be held accountable for the words we use, just as we must for our actions.
One of the core traits of toxic masculinity is bullying. This might be physical or emotional though commonly the bullying male incorporates both. Anything to diminish another human being and in such a way as to stress his ‘victim’s’ helplessness. This is an act of power as well as aggression, but also an act of cowardice because bullies always hide behind something or someone. Musk is a bully, of that there is now no doubt. He attacks but then hides behind his enormous wealth which he is prepared to use it to silence critics, threaten and insult others – always without risk to himself. The latest victim of Musk’s bullying is Humza Yousaf, the former First Minister of Scotland, with whom Musk has a long-running feud on X. Musk has labelled Yousaf a ‘super racist scumbag’ and goaded the First Minister to sue him.Of course, Musk responds to his critics by declaring he’s a ‘free speech absolutist’ on the assumption this allows him to say anything he likes. Well, he is wrong. As I have written elsewhere, free-speech is an oxymoron. We must all be held accountable for the words we use, just as we must for our actions.
One of the core traits of toxic masculinity is bullying. This might be physical or emotional though commonly the bullying male incorporates both. Anything to diminish another human being and in such a way as to stress his ‘victim’s’ helplessness. This is an act of power as well as aggression, but also an act of cowardice because bullies always hide behind something or someone. Musk is a bully, of that there is now no doubt. He attacks but then hides behind his enormous wealth which he is prepared to use it to silence critics, threaten and insult others – always without risk to himself. The latest victim of Musk’s bullying is Humza Yousaf, the former First Minister of Scotland, with whom Musk has a long-running feud on X. Musk has labelled Yousaf a ‘super racist scumbag’ and goaded the First Minister to sue him.
As an onlooker I have to ask what is going on with Musk because on the surface his behaviour is bewildering. Though from a sociological/psychological perspective it is not so bewildering. Musk is clumsily attempting to exorcise the toxic ghost of his father and doing so by being more aggressive, more ‘macho’ than he was.
Perhaps realising that he had personal issues to address, Musk recently went to see a psychiatrist. Unfortunately, he chose Jordan Peterson, a notorious anti-woke, anti-feminist, conservative. Did this help? Not really, what transpired in their two-hour interview was merely reinforcement of both Peterson’s and Musk’s prejudices, especially Musk’s transphobia.
“Gender-reassignment surgery is child mutilation and serilization. I was tricked into consenting to this for my son. I lost my son, essentially. I vowed to destroy the woke mind virus after that.”
Unsurprisingly, this attitude has resulted in Musk’s transgender daughter, Vivian Jenner Wilson, declaring that she “no longer wishes to live with or be related to my biological father in any way, shape or form.”
Musk’s internal struggle between light and dark, first witnessed by his family, is increasingly being played out in public, and right now, the dark side is winning.
Musk is angry, vengeful, embittered, and his hatred of woke is growing by the day.
Just as it was with Donald Trump and his father, so it was Musk’s father who showed his son the way into the toxic masculine cave. But whereas Trump has gone deep into it, becoming unbalanced, angrier, and totally without virtue, Musk is still only at the entrance: many of past actions demonstrate he has a good heart, and good intentions for humanity. He can still exit to safety. Which is not the case with many men infested with this discursive virus.
The metaphor of the mental cave, imprisoning men, goes back at least to Socrates. He argued that the true purpose of education was to drag the prisoner as far out of the cave as possible, not merely to instil knowledge but to free his soul. The toxic masculine cave works in precisely the same way – it traps the unwary male into believing an alternative reality one wherein he is at the centre of a male-dominated world, or at the least, is entitled to be. It is a patriarchal, regressive state of mind, full of prejudices, hatreds, fears, insecurities and aggression. It seeds misogyny, sexism, racism, transphobia, homophobia and, ultimately, results in self-loathing and isolation.
Men like Musk enter the toxic masculine cave in search of validation as men, innocently reproducing the behaviour of their fathers and what they perceive to be ‘natural’ male behaviour. Unfortunately, they then come to find their traditional gender ideas and patriarchal beliefs rejected by a society increasingly adopting progressive values. This generates enormous psychological conflict within the man. He feels rejected. And he is not wrong, because he (or his masculinity) is being rejected. These men can get very angry indeed. And very lonely. Isolated, lonely, they can lash out, and worse. Those men deep inside the cave will likely never come out. Because to do so is too difficult – it requires them to change their masculinity completely. Such an identity transformation is beyond them. Instead, they become haters, incels, male fundamentalists, and, in many cases, suicidal.
It is clear that Musk finds the cave inviting and over the past few years has chosen to go deeper into it. His recent media comments reveal a man no longer even paying lip-service to liberal values. He has fully declared which side he is on. He is now joined not just with Trump but the likes of Putin, Bolsonaro, and Maduro, all so-called ‘strong-men’, enemies of inclusivity, diversity, social justice, equity.
The strength that Musk seeks within himself, wishes to display to the world, is not the strength which is the world needs. Global society requires, deserves, leaders and role models of whatever gender/sex who are empathetic, reflective, kind, inclusive and open to learning, not least about themselves. In other words, emotionally intelligent.
Right now, Elon Musk is in the most precarious position of his life. Wealth will not aid him, nor will using it to bully and threaten others. Indeed, it is likely to create a greater gap between him and reality. If he goes any deeper into the toxic masculine cave, Musk will be turning his back not just members of his family but on our progressive global community. Which means he’ll be turning away from the future. His version of masculinity is not the future, that is for sure.
Musk can decide to leave us all behind and fly into space. Fine, but he’ll still be in his cave.
Which begs the question, what does Elon have to do in order to exit his mental prison and emerge into a sunlit enlightenment?
Elon, if you are reading this, these are my words to you:
- Ask your daughter, Vivian, for forgiveness and say very clearly to her that you love her and always will, that you respect her life decisions and will always be there for her without qualification.
- Repeat No.1. exercise with any other family members who you may have similarly become estranged from due to your traditional, patriarchal, attitudes.
- Stop posting contentious words on X or any other social media. In fact, take a well-earned sabbatical from all social media while you recreate your self.
- Give yourself loads of totally inclusive self-love. That is, self-love without prejudice and with acceptance and recognition of all your failings and weaknesses.
- Cease immediately getting involved with politics and especially those politicians who lack your self-awareness. Concentrate completely on being the businessman, the entrepreneur.
- Forgive your father. He was not as strong as you. You claim to be a Christian, so include your father in your daily prayers.
- Take time out to develop a quiet mind. Meditation works wonders. You’ll find it challenging at first but only through a quiet mind have you any chance of hearing your inner voice while also dampening down your anger and turmoil.
- Take time out to discover feminism. Yes, I know it will be a big hurdle but really if you are one of the world’s richest men and you still don’t get DEIJ then you’ll never get out that cave. You have a wonderful opportunity to help many other struggling men exit their own individual caves. Be truly brave, become a profeminist male role model for Gen Alpha and Gen Z.
- Stop trying to be your father’s son and instead be your own man. Reject the masculinity of your father and grasp a progressive masculine identity. This will make you incredibly strong yet also humble and self-aware.
- One cannot buy wisdom one can only acquire it through asking the right questions and reflecting on the answers. Begin that self-reflexive journey. And the first question to ask yourself is; ‘Are you in danger of becoming the sort of man you always feared and hated?’
