Extract from: Whitehead, S. (2021) Toxic Masculinity: Curing the virus. Making men smarter, healthier, safer. Chapter 4. Acorn Books, UK. pp.48-62
When researching men and masculinities, one thing you quickly learn is that appearances and background can be deceptive. Men can change. Men are not a stereotype. What you find is not always what you’d expect.
David, 50, was born and raised in the inner city of Birmingham, UK. During his teenage years, he was a punk, and proud of it – headbanging to the sound of the Clash, Sex Pistols and Madness. His sense of being white working class shaped those early years, though not enough to deter him from going to university, where he studied History. At 6’ 4” and close to 100 kg, David can be an imposing figure, muscular and upright, all topped with his skinhead buzzcut, which he maintains to this day. If you saw him working in his job, you’d be surprised to learn of his background. For he is the Principal of one of the world’s leading international schools. His commitment to gender equality, child protection, LGBT+ rights, and women’s empowerment is total and permeates the culture of the school. David is married, with two children. He is currently studying for a PhD.
Adrian, 33, has never lived anywhere other than a small town in Pennsylvania. Occasionally he visits the big city of Allentown, to catch up with his two older sisters, though mostly he remains where he was born; a house he shares with his mother and father. He even has the same bedroom, still showing posters of Nirvana and Green Day on the wall. His work as a web-designer means he rarely has reason to travel far. Adrian was a virgin until the age of 27, his experience of sex being limited to some kissing and a fondle. For a while he thought he might be asexual. Then, at the age of 30, he began a relationship with a woman 20 years older than himself; a divorcee with a grown-up son. That relationship lasted six months and enabled him to acquire confidence with women, learn about his sexuality, and consequently embark on a series of relationships. He has no intention of getting married, at least for the foreseeable future. I asked him how he felt about Jordan Peterson, the Canadian psychologist who has said a lot about women, men and the “illusion of patriarchy”. Adrian replied: “Yes, I’ve listened to a lot of his videos and his theories around psychology make some sense to me, but his ideas on women and equality are simply rubbish, a disgrace.” Adrian is a secular feminist. His parents are traditional, conservative, Christians.
Ken, 39, earns nothing. He is married with twin girls (7) and this live in an expensively rented condominium not far from Singapore’s Changi Airport. How does he manage this? By the income earned from his high-flying executive wife, and his role as a full-time househusband. Ken is one of a growing number of Asian men who are dropping out of the corporate rat-race to concentrate on what they do best – being fathers and raising the next generation. Nothing in Ken’s own family background prepared him for this. He is an only son, raised by a father who spent his life in the Singaporean army, rising to General. And a mother who never had paid work. In short, Ken grew up in a typical Asian male-breadwinner nuclear family. And when he left university, at the age of 25, with his MBA from the National University of Singapore, that was the life he too expected to follow. Ten years later, and his life is very different. I asked him if he feels emasculated: “Not at all. I love my life. The fact my wife earns what she does is great. We just realised it made more sense to swop roles. Lots of men can do this. They just need to let go of their male ego.”
These are just three of the many men I’ve connected with in my gender work and research over 30 years. And I place each of them under the label of ‘progressive men’. That is, they have a performance of masculinity that is liberal, open, reflective and which embraces modern gender values. David, Adrian and Ken do have vast differences of experience in terms of life and relationships, but with regards to their masculinity they are brothers in arms.
I have met men like this all over the world. And you can find them everywhere. Sure, many are gay or bi, some are transsexual or transgendered, but the majority are straight. How these straight males somehow manage to negotiate their way out of the sexist, patriarchal cul-de-sac in which many of their male peers find themselves, is a major study in itself. My own research [1] suggests that a number of variables need to be operating in a straight man’s life if he is to become a progressive man, if he is to articulate and be comfortable with a progressive masculinity.
Indicators of Progressive Masculinity
The 10 Primary Indicators
- He does not feel threatened by women’s power, or powerful women
- Feminist: supports LGBT+ rights and the MeToo movement
- Liberal-minded and open to alternative cultural expressions
- Anti-racist
- Reflective, able to recognise and express his emotions positively
- Negotiates and shares child-care duties with partner
- Negotiates and shares household duties with partner (may be househusband)
- Pro-choice (abortion and birth control)
- Approaches intimate relationships from the standpoint of equality and equity
- Masculinity not threatened by partners with higher professional status or earning power
I consider the most critical variable to be the first; the man is either a declared feminist or he is comfortable with, and therefore unthreatened by, the power that women are acquiring and expressing, today.
Following which, my personal criteria for being a feminist, of whatever sex or gender, is as follows:
If you believe in equality for women, are pro LGBT+, consider that all societies must challenge male abuse, and de facto, educate males into less violent and damaging forms of behaviour, then you are a feminist.
If a man cannot meet this benchmark then he is very likely to be still embracing toxic masculinity, at least to some degree. Any man who has become more entrenched in his anti-feminist stance and allowed it to spill over into misogynistic attitudes, including trolling, abuse and violence towards women and LGBT+ people, will have slipped into male fundamentalism. Not all men with toxic masculinity will become male fundamentalists, but all male fundamentalists will have toxic masculinity.
As I explore in Chapters 9 and 10, toxic masculinity can be unlearned, most typically by the man experiencing some emotional moment which forces him to confront and critique, his long held masculine assumptions and gender stereotypes. This often provides the man with the impetus to leave his toxic cave. However, male fundamentalism will prove much more resistant and, in most cases, will require the interventions of a specialist counsellor.
Redesigning Masculinity
I am very clear that progressive masculinity is now so common and widespread as to be a distinguishable pattern within the global expressions of masculinity. At the same time, it is important to recognise that gender performance is highly variable, multiple and ultimately, the specific expression created and performed by an individual. In theory at least, there are potentially as many masculinities as there are men. Likewise, femininities and women. Also, there is significant cross-over between masculinities and femininities. As I stated in Chapter 2, these gender identifications are created by society, not by nature. And it is a society or a culture that defines what masculinity and femininity are considered to be. But neither society nor culture are stable. Consequently, we are dealing here with very fluid, contingent, and unpredictable sets of definitions.
That said, what has changed over the past few decades are the social responses to feminism, liberalisation, and globalisation. These conditions have coalesced to create new ways of thinking about women and about men, from which have emerged new patterns of identity and behaviour. In effect, the last fifty years have been a global journey in the redefinition of both femininity and masculinity, leading to the point that we can now see progressive masculinity as a dominant model and increasingly representative of men’s behaviour. In short, certainly since the end of the Second World War, masculinity has been undergoing redesign, not just in the West, but ultimately globally.
It began with Western women and a Western-defined feminism, and has quickly moved out through global societies like the ripples in a pond. Men like David, Adrian and Ken, did not get there on their own. They did not create their progressive masculinity independently of society. At some stage on their life journey they were exposed to feminist ideas and values, engaged with those ideas, learned from them and in due course adapted their male behaviour in response. For whatever reason, they did not resist feminism, at least the essential value system which feminism is aligned with. This is the osmosis process that we all go through in acquiring a sense of our gender identity. It is no different for men than it is for women. The only differences lie in the discourses (codes, languages, behaviours, beliefs) which have come to be identified with one or the other sex. Feminism quite simply encapsulates a distinct set of discourses and these present a value system which the individual can align with, and which resonates with that person’s sense of self. Male fundamentalism presents a totally opposing discourse, primarily framed around the languages and practices of misogyny.
Once a critical mass of men emerge who are all saying, thinking and acting in a similar way, then we have a new form of masculinity. In the 21st century, globalisation and the information society speeds up this process of osmosis and dissemination, to the extent that we now have progressive men, performing progressive masculinity, in every corner of the globe.
But do they represent the majority of men?
This is hard to answer, though I suspect not; at least not yet. A large number of cultures and countries are avidly and actively resisting progressive masculine values and performances, certainly when expressed as support for LGBT+ people and the emancipation of women. This in itself will not prevent individuals or groups of men in such locations from adopting a progressive masculine stance, but they will have to navigate some challenging resistance and negative attitudes first. Any male progressiveness will have to overcome traditional gender values in the mindsets of both the men and the womenfolk; very likely in their own family. Plus, the male fundamentalism that dominates in many countries will be an additionally inhibiting factor. Add in the religious ideology and the masculinist political culture, then one can expect that in most of Africa, Central and South America, the Middle East, Central Asia, Eastern Europe, and parts of the Eastern Asia, any progressive male who emerges is a very strong man indeed; not only comfortable in himself, but also unburdened by traditional male ego syndrome.
Where I am confident one will find a majority of progressive men, is in certain professions and certain locations. For example, from my experience they are the majority in education, both state and private, and are to be found in universities, colleges and similar organisations, worldwide. For example, if you spend time in Western universities, or indeed any of the leading world universities and colleges, then you are more likely to find that progressive masculinity dominates, even while toxic masculinity may well be present to some degree. Feminism is now an established discourse in higher education, regardless of the country. To be sure, you are more likely to find feminist men and women in a leading UK university than you would in some other parts of the world, but the trends are identical, which is towards more enlightened ways of thinking about gender, sex and sexual identities.
Reflections on a Journey
My own journey towards a more enlightened understanding of gender, sex and sexuality didn’t really begin until I was 40 years of age. I was a late starter in many ways. I’d left school two weeks before my 15th birthday, gone straight into my family’s small florist shop business in Southport, UK, and had no qualifications at all. It remained that way until my early 30s, when, encouraged by my success in amateur athletics coaching and running, I passed the exam to become a UK Senior Athletics Coach. That was my very first qualification of any description. From the age of 25 to my mid 30s my wife and I had been managers of pubs/restaurants in Yorkshire and that seemed my destiny. But events happened and my life path took an unexpected turn. I found myself doing part-time teaching of physical education at a secondary school in Leeds, and a year later I had a full-time lectureship at a Leeds Further Education College. It was 1987. The college encouraged me to do a part-time teacher training programme, on completion of which I began an MA in Sociology at Leeds Metropolitan University. I’d embarked on that MA solely with the intention of adding some academic credibility to my developing career as an FE college manager, but in fact it changed my life completely. One of the 2nd year options on the MA was ‘feminist theory’. Although I’d developed some awareness of class and race issues in society, I was really unfamiliar with, and not a little wary of feminism – and feminists, who I saw as rather strident, severe and intimidating women. But something told me to do this option, and I did. The MA Director, Professor Sheila Scraton, was an established feminist academic, and it was under her guidance and encouragement that I tentatively ventured into the study of gender, both as theory and as practice. My thesis was on men and masculinities in sport. I got a Distinction for that and for the MA overall. By then it was August 1992 and I was 43. The next step was the risky one. Should I continue my momentum and pursue a PhD, or should I quit while I was ahead? Nothing in my past suggested I was capable of a doctorate, and I didn’t need one for my career. But I was increasingly immersed in feminism, and especially the sociology of men and masculinities, which by then was slowly emerging as a distinct field within sociology. In March 1993, I took the plunge and went for the PhD, nervous, excited, but determined not to fail. The title was ‘Public and Private Men: Masculinities at work in education management’. I had two superb supervisors; Prof. Sheila Scraton (LMU) and Prof. Jeff Hearn (Manchester). The next three years were amazing, I enjoyed every moment of the study and the research. I realised I had found my destiny. In December 1996, I had my viva and was awarded a clear pass, no corrections, upon which I became a Doctor of Philosophy. I believe my thesis is still in LMU library. Having established my academic credentials, I changed career once more, this time heading for Keele University where, in September 1997, I began a lecturership in Education. Aside from teaching, and the occasional conference, my professional life thereafter was primarily devoted to writing about men and masculinities, gender and identity, and relationships. This is my twelfth book.
My very tentative initial steps into feminism had shifted from uncertainty into a full-blooded engagement. I learned the different feminist theories, the philosophy, the politics, the practices, and the contradictions within feminism. I learned that there is no such thing as a ‘pure feminist’; ultimately, we are all human and while we may hold strong political and moral positions, inevitably all this must be negotiated with the world we live in. I read everything I could get my hands on, finally settling on my current intellectual position as a feminist poststructuralist, largely influenced by Foucault, Butler and the likes of Lyotard and Derrida. I became increasingly academically confident and, importantly, very aware of my own masculinity. No longer frightened of feminists, I became one. And have remained so to this day.
Did I ever have toxic masculinity? I believe so, certainly into my early 30s. However, I have never been a ‘man’s man’ and even in childhood preferred to read books than kick a football. I have been anti-racist and certainly sensitive to social injustice since childhood. I remember my parents remarking that an aunt of mine, my mum’s younger sister, was ‘acting very modern’ by wearing trousers. That was around 1955. The comment struck me as strange even then. I also recall talking to my secondary school teacher about racism in the USA and finding myself beginning to articulate feelings and positions which informed my feminism in later life. During the 1960s, I had several openly gay friends, a time when few gays risked coming out. That said, I had undoubtedly caught some of the masculinist attitudes of my father and of my post-war generation; tempered as they were by the more enlightened approach of my mother. My family seemed full of weak men and strong women, which is the reason why I have always been attracted to the latter.
One area that I did steer clear from during my PhD, and really into my mid 50s, was my heterosexuality. But that couldn’t remain the case. I had to experiment, theorise and analyse, and so I did. That subsequently took me on a very interesting journey but one to be recorded, perhaps, another time. Only now, at the age of 70, can I look back on my gender and sexual history and see the ways in which background, society, culture, race, class, ethnicity, masculinity, femininity, power, identity, age, and biology, all conspired to lead me to where I was, where I am today, and, very likely, where I am heading.
Questioning Progressive Masculinity
Below are 22 questions which we should ask about progressive masculinity, together with my answers.
- Is this men simply becoming feminine? No. One has to stop thinking about masculine and feminine behaviours as biological, and that is implied in this question. Traits like violence, aggression, empathy, emotional intelligence, compassion, trust and anger, are not confined to any single sex. They transcend genitalia. What we have, therefore, are men being more comfortable in behaving in ways which society has defined as ‘feminine’. This itself does not make men feminine, it just makes them more rounded.
- How is progressive masculinity linked to the civilising process? If we take the ‘civilising process’ to mean global society becoming increasingly sensitised to violence in all its forms, considering it repugnant and no longer a suitable ‘solution’ for addressing conflict, either state or personal, then we can assume that society is challenging toxic masculinity, both directly and indirectly. Because it is within men and their masculinist cultures that violence flourishes and gets normalised as natural male behaviour. I believe this process had begun long before the term ‘toxic masculinity’ hit the headlines, very likely spurred on by the mass slaughter of the last century. Whatever the cause, there is now a deepening current within global society that rejects violent (male) behaviour and this certainly aligns with new forms of masculinity.
- Are men with progressive masculinity giving in – losing the gender war? The question represents the ancient problem with straight men – that they too easily relate to women (and gays) in terms of conflict and domination. It is eradicating this mentality which is necessary if men are to move forward. Progressive masculinity is not about winning or losing any gender war, it is about harmony and togetherness. That said, as I state below, men who engage in progressive masculinity must be prepared to accept the end of any patriarchally-driven power. They must give that up in order to become better men. Right now, this is the only form of masculinity which holds out any promise of togetherness with women. Both toxic masculinity and, to some extent collapsed masculinity (described in Chapter 5) will result in men and women continuing to grow apart.
- Do all men with progressive masculinity see themselves as feminists? No. ‘Feminist’ is a label which has, for decades, carried negative connotations, not only for men but also for many women. This is the consequence of the endless mindless critique by mainstream media. However, the rise of internet social media has largely reversed that trend, resulting in more men and women openly aligning with the identity ‘feminist’. The reason being that social media has opened up the discourse of feminism to millions of women (and men) who would otherwise never directly encounter it and in so doing has helped ‘normalise’ the label ‘feminist’. That said, large numbers of men who express progressive masculinity will not even think of themselves as feminists, they will simply see themselves as liberal minded males, a moral and ethical standpoint which encompasses anti-racism, anti-sexism, and support for equal opportunities in all its forms.
- Does the rise of progressive masculinity correspond with a drop in male power? Yes. But progressive masculinity is not the cause of this reduction in male power. That will happen whether or not men adopt progressive masculinity. The reason is the inevitable rise of women, globally. The idea that 50% of the population, plus LGBT+ people, could remain prisoners of hegemonic masculinity, was always a non-starter. What we are witnessing at the beginning of the 21st century is an awakening, without doubt the most profound and far-reaching political revolution ever to be experienced by human society. As I stated in Chapter 2, this is a zero-sum power game, with men the inevitable losers. For women to acquire power, men will have to lose it. Why? Because male gender power relied on the subjugation of women. Once that subjugation disappears, so does the male gender power base. Progressive masculinity is simply the by-product of this process. Individual men will still have power, but so will individual women. The power balance will, hopefully, be more equitable.
- Are men with progressive masculinity, simply ‘Metrosexuals’. Not entirely. Metrosexuality [2] is a useful term to describe some aspects of progressive masculinity, notably the changing attitudes that many men have towards work-life balance, personal hygiene, physical fitness, mental health, emotional management and appearance, but it does not, in itself, signal the liberalisation of masculinity away from toxic performances. In other words, while metrosexuality can reveal how men are becoming more comfortable with non-traditional forms of maleness, it doesn’t tell us how such men feel about feminism, women’s power, racism, etc.
- Is the rise in progressive masculinity linked to men losing testosterone? As I discuss in Chapter 2, testosterone levels are not fixed in males – they can and do fluctuate depending on external factors. In other words, behaviour (and environment) impacts on testosterone as much if not more than testosterone impacts on behaviour. There have been few if any longitudinal studies tracking testosterone levels among the same men. However, published medical research has revealed “substantial” drops in US men’s testosterone levels since the 1980s. Similar reductions are evident in many countries. It appears to be a related to sedentary lifestyles, poor health levels, poor diet, obesity, rather than ageing or, indeed, masculinity.[3]
- Can all men develop progressive masculinity? In theory, yes. In reality, no. For all men to adopt and perform progressive masculinity there would have to be a wholesale liberalisation of human values, not just away from violence, abuse, and rampant and avid economic competitiveness, but embracing a moral and ethical code which protects human society and individuals. This cannot be achieved independent of other factors, such as poverty, education, culture, corruption, drugs, crime, racism, and a deteriorating environment. But there are ways of encouraging males to adopt progressive masculinity and these are outlined in Chapters 9 and 10.
- What are the material benefits of having progressive masculinity? The most obvious benefit is the male will be able to more easily fit into and contribute to, society. That is, they will be much more likely to engage with education, achieve good results, and go to university. This in turn will enhance their employment opportunities and their lifetime income. Males with a university degree and in full-time employment will be materially much more secure than those without either. In other words, men with progressive masculinity will be more employable than those without, and more able to progress in their careers. For those men who do not go on to higher education, then they too can benefit from having progressive masculinity, not least because it will open more opportunities for employment and career advancement and lessen the likelihood of them getting caught up in the criminal justice system.
- What are the emotional benefits of having progressive masculinity? There are many, not least the ability to have equitable relationships with women and LGBT+ people, and enjoy non-competitive relationships with other straight men. In other words, live in the real world rather than in self-imposed isolation or slipping into male fundamentalism. The criteria I have listed at the start of this chapter all point to certain positive emotional traits needing to be in place to some level within any guy exhibiting progressive masculinity; i.e. empathy, sincerity, understanding, self-awareness, emotional intelligence and reflexivity. Probably the two critical ones are empathy and emotional intelligence. Moreover, such a male will be less likely to invest in attitudes and behaviours which rely on the puffing up of his male ego, thus giving him a certain immunity to discourses of toxic masculinity. This combination of traits and behaviours goes a long way to ensuring the male has strong mental health, is less likely to succumb to depression and anxiety, has positive self-esteem and is therefore more likely to experience the world as welcoming rather than isolating.
- What are the relationship benefits of having progressive masculinity? This is detailed in Chapter 6, but to summarise, the main benefit is that any relationship he has is likely to strengthen, not weaken, his sense of self. Having progressive masculinity won’t guarantee a relationship lasts for a lifetime, but it will go a long way to ensuring that any relationship produces more positive than negative outcomes. It is more likely to end well, be healthy and beneficial for both parties, and, if it does go the distance, be a relationship built on love, understanding and companionship, not fear, hate, bitterness and regret. In short, progressive masculinity is the only masculinity which will stop or at least slow down, the global trend for women and men growing apart.
- What are the benefits to a family of having a father with progressive masculinity? The obvious benefits are a greater level of harmony within the family; a more liberal open form of communication between family members; a hands-on and attentive father; a non-violent or abusive environment; and a family culture in which women and LGBT+ people are not treated as inferior beings but of equal value and importance. All these factors will contribute to children growing up gender aware, open-minded, and having higher levels of emotional intelligence. As I discuss in Chapters 9 and 10, fathers (absent or present) have a massive influence on their sons and this cannot be understated when looking at how toxic masculinity can be avoided or taken up by a male. Having a progressive masculine father won’t guarantee his son doesn’t end up with the TM virus, but it definitely makes it much less likely.
- How can I learn progressive masculine behaviour? Your starting point must be to accept the fact that men are not superior to women in any way. If you can truly do this then you can move onto the next stage which is to demonstrate that in your everyday behaviour, including your language. Which means treating women as you yourself would like to be treated and how you’d like your loved ones, male and female, to be treated. You do not need to become a declared feminist, but you should not feel threatened by feminism, plus you must accept its primary tenet: which is to believe in equality for women, be pro LGBT+, be non-racist, challenge male abuse and, de facto, educate or at least encourage, males into less damaging and non-violent forms of behaviour.
- At what age can a child learn progressive masculinity? As soon as the child is born. In fact, it can start in the womb, by the unborn baby simply listening to the sounds of life outside the womb, and that means gentle, soothing sounds; not yelling, threats, and certainly not violence against the mother-to-be. If the parents are happy and content, the unborn child will pick up that signal and be likewise. From birth, the key objective must be to avoid slipping into gender stereotype with the child. Not easy to do, I know, but it is important for both males and females to grow up with positive self-image, surrounded by affection and feeling aspirational, regardless of their sex. But with strict boundaries for behaviour in terms of bullying, abusive, aggressive, and discriminatory behaviour.
- What can parents do to encourage progressive masculinity in their children? You have many options and opportunities and these are examined in Chapter 9. For example, you could start by giving your child a gender-neutral name. Or you might take it further, as did Canadian parents of ‘Storm’ in 2011, and not publicly reveal the child’s sex/gender.[4] If that feels too extreme you can at least follow the example of the Massachusetts’ father who, in raising his children in a gender stereotype-free household, didn’t flip when his five-year-old son decided he wanted to wear red nail polish at kindergarten. In effect, any action which serves to break down gender stereotypes will be effective. Including choosing books which have heroines, avoiding gender biased language in the home, and definitely avoiding the pink/blue ‘neurosexist bilge’ [5] which comes out of the mouths of some scientists. Oh, and if you are religious, just remind your children that “God is gender-fluid”.
- Can gay men exhibit progressive masculinity? It is not a given but it is definitely very likely. This is not to do with sexuality, it is entirely to do with the fact that gay men live in a world which still holds on to heterosexual normativity, and in many instances remains homophobic and even legislates against LGBT+ people. This living as the ‘other’ develops a social awareness in gay men which is beyond the imagination and certainly the experience, of heterosexuals. It is in living as the other that one acquires a deeper appreciation of the depth of discriminatory practice. In other words, it is easier for a gay man to be a feminist and enlightened about gender than it is for a straight person. What can mitigate against this is when gay men are afraid to come out and instead adopt toxic masculine practices as a way of gaining straight male peer
[1] Whitehead, S.M., Talahite, A. and Moodley, R. (2013) Gender and Identity. Don Mills, Ont.: Oxford Univ. Press.
[2] See Whitehead, Talahite and Moodley (2013) Gender and Identity (Chapter 11).
[3] https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/06/120623144944.htm
[4] See Whitehead, Talahite and Moodley, (2013) Gender and Identity (Introduction)
