Or, Rules to Follow When Considering Which Man to Marry
Yes, he does exist.
Out there amongst the 4 billion males in this world there are some who’ll make ‘perfect husbands’.
Trick is, finding them. This article, based on years of research, study, observation and living and being as a male, is intended to help you do just that.
Yes, I know, marriage is fast going out of fashion as are husbands, but if nothing else you’ll likely find my Tips (below) interesting to apply to the man/men in your life.
First off, let’s accept this article is aimed at straight women. If you are LGBTQ+ then that’s a rather different article. Likewise, if you are a straight man reading this then the message is not directly aimed at you but nevertheless please be patient — you’ll learn something. You may not agree with most of my observations but you’re advised not to ignore them — at least if you hope to avoid the divorce courts.
The second proviso is that this article is written for women everywhere, not just those in the West, the East, or the Global South. Whether you’re a Millennial Eskimo woman looking for a guy to share an igloo with; a Gen Z Asian female heiress despairing of ever finding a man worth sharing your wealth with; or an Australian baby-boomer looking to find your next husband, read on.
You may well ask; ‘how can anyone possibly come up with a load of tips on husband-finding which will be relevant to women everywhere?’. Well, I can do that because I have more experience in relationships, and marriage, and 95% of the population. I first got married at the age of 21 and over the subsequent 52 years had a further four marriages and any number of ‘heavy’ relationships, many of which involved love and several of which involved money. Plus, since 1990, I have been researching, studying and writing about gender, men, women, sexuality and relationships — 17 books and counting.
So, I am claiming some expertise here. Yes, I realise that claiming expertise in marriage and relationships is rather like claiming expertise in defusing bombs — one wrong move and that expertise is blown to bits — but despite that I have learned a few things over the past seven decades which I am now willing to share with you.
Finally, I have to make some assumptions about you, the female reader.
My first assumption is that you are not willing to be a slave to any man. Second, you are not willing to totally give up your independence for any man. Third, you are not prepared to be abused by any man. Fourth, your self-respect is most important to you and any man who doesn’t respect you can clear off anyway.
Of course, there is another massive hurdle to clear before we get into the ‘rules’ and that involves the nature of ‘love’. I will discuss love more in a future article but for the moment let me clarify that there are at least three main types of love*:
THREE MAIN TYPES OF LOVE
1. Wishful Love:
The best example I can give is where you ‘fall in love’ with someone you’ve never met.
In the age of social media, this now happens all the time. I did some research into this phenomenon back in 2007–8 and I discovered that it typically takes less than three weeks for a person to be in regular online communication with a stranger before they start to feel they are in love or falling in love. Sure, there has to be an underpinning emotional need coupled with a strong and developing romantic element in the messaging, but what is not required is to have physically met the person sending you those sexy Line messages every few hours.
In other words, you fall in love with an illusion, not the reality. Dangerous, compelling — and addictive.
2. Consensus Love:
In Asia, this is the love that is usually required for marriage. Unlike Wishful Love, Consensus Love won’t emerge unless both parties are fully aware of the reality of the other person; who they are, what they have, what their prospects are.
It is not based on illusion. Consensus Love comes with one vital condition: it must ‘work for us’. In that respect, it is very functional. The sort of questions that need answering are; how much money does he have? What is his social status? What are his career prospects? Does he own property? Is his family wealthy? What will my family and friends think if I marry this guy?
Arranged marriages are an extreme example of Consensus Love, followed by those marriages requiring a dowry to be paid before the wedding bells can start ringing. Little illusion here, but a lot of material expectation — with the material being the glue holding it all together.
3. Soulmate Love:
Everyone wants Soulmate Love but does Soulmate Love want you?
That depends on whether or not you are ready for it. This is the big love but it comes at a price. First off, you cannot find Soulmate Love, you must wait for Soulmate Love to find you. And it may well come when you least expect it; e.g. after you’re already in a relationship/marriage.
Then it gets very interesting.
The wonderful thing about Soulmate love is that it is completely illogical. No point trying to work it out, or attempt to ‘tick the boxes’ before you fall in love. If you are soulmates then it will all kick off whether you want it to or not. But does being soulmates mean it is ‘forever’. No. The love and feelings are forever but that doesn’t mean you’ll live together, get married, or be together longer than a fleeting period.
Yes, complicated.
Be careful what you wish for. If you do encounter Soulmate Love, be grateful but stay realistic. Soulmates never fully part, they just agree to go their separate ways.
DOES LOVE MATTER?
Is love essential for marriage?
Well, as a Westerner I would say yes, it is. But having lived in Asia for two decades I have become well aware that marriages can last without love being in them. They become functional arrangements, with both partners negotiating an intimate, and economic, arrangement which suits them. I think Asians are better at this than Westerners. Westerners put a high price on love. Asians place more emphasis on the material and the social.
It has often been stated that other people’s marriages are ‘absolutely unknowable’ and that a successful marriage ‘requires falling in love many times, always with the same person’.
Both true.
Any young person reading this who imagines that they will get married to one person and that person will stay the same all their life, should wake up to reality. Not only will your partner change a lot during the marriage, you will too. Who we are at 20 is not who we’ll be at 30, 40, 50 and so on. Which makes it impossible to predict how a marriage will fare. You just don’t know. In which case, there is a risk involved.
My ’10 Rules to Follow When Considering Which Man to Marry’ are designed to reduce that risk. Not eliminate it totally, but at least give you, the woman, a working chance of the partnership working.
NEVER MARRY THE FOLLOWING MEN:
1. Never marry a man who is a virgin.
2. Never marry a man (over 30) who has only ever lived with his mother.
3. Never marry a man who doesn’t know how to cook, clean the loo, or change a light bulb.
4. Never marry a man who refuses to give you oral sex.
5. Never marry a man who finds menstruation disgusting.
6. Never marry a man who habitually lies.
7. Never marry a man who’s not gotten over his past loves.
8. Never marry a man who understands emotional expression only as violence.
9. Never marry a man who is addicted to drugs, alcohol, or gambling.
10. Never marry a man who hates women.
11. Never marry a man who considers your virginity to be important.
12. Never marry a man who is gay (if you are a women).
13. Never marry a man who cannot keep a job.
14. Never marry a man who is controlling and abusive.
15. Never marry a man who hates himself.
So there you have my 15 rules.
You may decide some are more important than others — some are deal-breakers, others not. But all the rules matter because individually and taken together they will tell you a lot about your guy and his prospects for a long-term relationship and/or marriage.
So long as your chosen one doesn’t have any of the above characteristics, your marriage has at least a 50–50 chance of being a happy one and of lasting more than 10 years. How much longer than 10 years depends on you both.
For sure, if all you are seeking is a bit of sexual fun and romance, then many of these rules need not apply, though my advice is to always follow Rule Numbers 8 and 14 even for a short-term romance — every woman must put her physical safety first.
The next question is:
‘Can a woman change a man to become more suitable for marriage?’
In theory, yes.
In practice it’s a lot harder to change men to become more marriageable. It depends on a number of factors, including their level of emotional intelligence. Which is why Rule Numbers 8 and 15 are important. If your guy has decent emotional intelligence, a healthy self-love, and kindness, then he has the basics for being a good, loving husband and partner even if he fails on some of the other Rules.
However, I would stress that married life is hard enough for any woman without her having to also manage, train and educate her guy into being a half-decent husband. Why should she take on that responsibility? Isn’t married life meant to be a love arrangement between equals?
Note, men rarely even consider that they need to ‘train’ their partner into being a good wife. They assume they will have a good wife from the start and on their terms, not their wife’s. If your prospective husband assumes you are perfect and that all he has to do is carry on being the man he has always been, without adjusting or adapting to marriage, then watch out, storms lie ahead for both of you.
Finally, marriage is a statement of hope. Indeed, all healthy long-term intimate relationships must be fuelled by hope and optimism, or else why bother? So don’t lose the hope but nor should you allow hope to cloud your judgement.
‘When it comes to relationships, ten years is a lifetime.’
‘If you do not love yourself, then you cannot fully love anyone else.’
‘Love or no love, life is lived singularly.’
‘Being in love is an ongoing romance with one’s imagination.’
ACADEMIC ARTICLES BY STEPHEN
Refereed Journal Articles
Whitehead, S. (1997)
‘Men/Managers and the Shifting Discourses of Post-Compulsory Education’. Research in Post-Compulsory Education, 1:2.
Whitehead, S. (1998)
‘Disrupted Selves: Resistance and Identity Work in the Managerial Arena’. Gender and Education, 10:2.
Kerfoot, D. and Whitehead, S. (1998)
‘’Boys Own’ Stuff: Masculinity and the Management of Further Education’. The Sociological Review, 46:3.
Whitehead, S. (1999)
‘From Paternalism to Entrepreneuralism: The Experience of Men Managers in UK Postcompulsory Education’. Discourse: Studies in the Cultural Politics of Education, 20:1.
Kerfoot, D. and Whitehead, S. (2000)
‘Keeping All the Balls In the Air: FE and the Masculine/Managerial Subject’. Journal of Further and Higher Education, 24:2.
Goddard-Patel, P. and Whitehead, S. (2000))
‘Examining the Crisis of Further Education: An analysis of “failing” colleges and failing policies’. Policy Studies, 21:3.
Whitehead, S. (2001)
‘Woman as Manager: A Seductive Ontology’. Gender, Work and Organization, 8:1.
Whitehead, S. (2001)
‘The Invisible Gendered Subject: Men in Education Management’. Journal of Gender Studies, 10:1.
Goddard-Patel, P. and Whitehead, S. (2002) ‘The Mechanics of ‘Failure’ in Further Education: The Case of Bilston Community College’. Policy Studies, 22:3/4.
Whitehead, S. (2005) ‘Performativity Culture and the Further Education Professional’. International Journal of Management in Education, 19:3.
Whitehead, S. (2008) ‘Metrosexuality! Cameron, Brown and the politics of ‘new masculinity’, Public Policy Research, 14:4.
Sanderson, R and Whitehead, S (2015) ‘The Gendered International School: Barriers to women managers’ progression’. Journal Education + Training.
Review Articles
Whitehead, S. (1997)
‘Class Inequality Revisited’. Reviewing Sociology, 10:2.
Whitehead, S. (1999)
‘Hegemonic Masculinity Revisited’. Gender, Work and Organization, 6:1.
Whitehead, S. (2000)
‘Masculinity: Shutting Out the Nasty Bits’ Gender, Work and Organization. 7:2.
Whitehead, S. (2000)
‘Postmodernism in Education Theory’, British Journal of Educational Studies. 48:3.
Whitehead, S. (2000)
‘Masculinities, Race and Nationhood – Critical Connections’. Gender and History. 12:2
Guest Editing (Journal Special Issues)
Kerfoot, D., Prichard, C. and Whitehead, S. (2000)
‘(En)Gendering Management: Work, Organisation and Further Education’. Journal of Further and Higher Education. 24:2.
